I haven’t blogged in awhile. I think mainly because I felt that I had nothing to blog about. I told myself people probably wouldn’t even see it or read it, and then I talked myself out of getting my thoughts out onto a literary plane.
I had to remind myself that I’m blogging for me, blogging for my own life, and that if people happen to read it along the way- then that’s just a bonus.
So I’m starting over, and taking a journey with my new start.
My life is changing, and sometimes when I stop and think about it, it gets scary. Only a couple weeks ago I went down to St. Louis for “MEPS”, or as it’s officially known- Military Entrance Processing Station. I went through my medical and passed, and officially began my journey into the Air Force. I signed all the papers and took the Oath of Enlistment with three other guys. It was a woman who was giving us our oath, and I couldn’t stop watching her. She was in charge, she was respected, she had authority and power- and yet she was funny. She was funny, sweet, and tried to make us all welcome. She was inspiring.
I want to be like that. I want to walk into a room and have respect, I want to be looked up at, I want to be intimidating. But then I want to surprise people when they find out I can be funny, sweet, and something they never would have imagined.
I think back to my life a year ago, and I laugh a little. I’ve come a long way. I’ve grown into someone I never thought I’d be. I have a lot more growing to do, but I’m not ashamed of where I am now. I’m strong and I believe in myself more than anything else. I know I can succeed at whatever I try. I know I can make it through. I know I don’t need the approval of others to be who I am. I love myself.
But I also hate myself.
I hate that the scars of my past have left me incapable of the innocence I once had. I hate that I’ve made myself so strong that I’ve forgotten how to be fragile, because I’m too afraid that I might shatter and be unable to pick the pieces back up. I hate that I can never be satisfied with my body. I hate that sometimes I talk too much, when maybe I should just be quiet. I hate that I can’t tell someone what’s wrong, even when they’re genuinely asking.
So I guess, I love my strengths, I love what I’ve built up of myself, and I love how far I’ve come. But it’s all the little things that I push away- that I hate.
So I want to restart, I want to learn to balance and be at peace with the inner war that goes on inside of my body. And in one week, I will have that fresh start.
I’ll be going to Luminous Wild. (Here: http://dangerdame.com/classes-the-school-of-deadly-charms/ )
I’m going to begin with a 20 hour bus journey across the U.S, from IL to upstate NY. I’m going to spend 20 hours getting to know myself again, thinking, contemplating, or just watching the scenery fly past.
Then I’m going to spend 3 magical days with Veronica Varlow, Contessa Montebello, and other women coming from all walks of life. All stages of their journeys. All with reasons similar, and different than my own. And we’re going to build magic from the ground up.
Then I’m going to have a 20 hour journey back to reflect and absorb everything I’ve learned, discovered, felt, and thought. So that when I get home and back to the flow of my life, I can change the current of it. I can find a balance and a strength. I can greet my life, knowing that I’ll be ready for it. And I can carry this magic inside of me.
I’m ready to restart.