How funny to think that it has only been 5 days since my last post. This time last week I was in New York, with my Luminous Wild tribe, radiating in their love, wisdom, and support.
Five days later I find that everything is changing on me again. Change is scary, it’s intimidating, it’s beautiful, it’s an adventure. It can be so many things.
But right now for me, change is everything. I wanted a change, and I was given one, but it wasn’t the one I was counting on. Coming home from New York I had so many plans, I was going to buy Fire Fans and start fire dancing, I was going to sink back into my old life with a new perspective and start making changes in my life for the better. I was going to do so much.
And one phone call changed that, completely.
My phone call told me that January 1st of next year, I would be leaving for the Air Force. I had 75 days to mentally and physically prepare, go through my belongings and get rid of them, and get ready to be ripped from my old life.
The moment I hung up the phone I felt an incredible sinking feeling that I can’t even begin to express. I found myself burying my face in my hands and crying. Crying for myself. Crying for what I felt I’d just lost.
It’s not that I didn’t want to go to the Air Force, obviously I made that decision and I knew it was coming. But I was caught off guard. It was so soon, I didn’t get the chance to do anything I’d wanted. I didn’t get the chance to explore my new found passion. To explore a new part of me. And I was also given the job that I didn’t want, the one that I wish I’d never put down on the list.
I found that I couldn’t stop crying. I felt like I’d just been hit in the chest. It was hard to breathe, hard to think, hard to believe I’d just hung up the phone a minute before. In my mind I wondered, is this what going into shock feels like?
When I stopped crying I just felt a heavy numbness inside. Mutely accepting what was thrown my way as I always have in life. I told myself it had been my choice, and I shouldn’t be upset. I pushed away my feelings, I pushed away my shock.
But as I should have learned so many times before, pushing away how I feel – when I have a right to my own emotions- only makes things I worse. I found myself crying at work. My usual pep, cheery smile, and fun attitude that lasted through the day was so hard to keep up that it wore off within a few hours. Smiling made me want to cry. But I had to smile anyway, thanking the customers, telling them to have a great day…when I, myself, was having a terrible one. Just being at work- knowing that within 2 months I would no longer be around these people that I now consider my friends, and that make me laugh and smile every single day – made me want to curl up in a hole.
Those days were terrible. Every time I felt happy and laughed, my cruel mind would remind me that I wouldn’t be there for long, and would no longer be laughing and joking around with them. Then I’d have to force out the laugh. Pretend I was okay with leaving, with what was happening. I just had to make a joke out of it.
But today, as I neared breaking point at work and could only stand there and barely do my job and crack out a tiny smile, I realized I had to stop making a joke of it. This was real. This wasn’t going to go away no matter how much I pretended it would, or tried to forget, or tried to pretend I was okay. And if I didn’t face how I felt, it was going to hit me in the face.
I came home from work to an empty house- my parents having left for a birthday party for one of their friends children. I went straight to my room, trying to figure out how I would deal with this. How I would just get through the day.
After a hot shower and loading up my laptop, I went to the Luminous Wild group. I knew I’d find some sort of wisdom or support, there. And I was right. I watched Contessa’s beautiful video of the movements we did when we were together in the magic barn, and I followed along with them. Halfway through I found myself smiling, breathing deeply, and feeling relaxed. My head was clearing. The heavy sadness I’d all afternoon was lifting. I felt like myself.
Then I saw the blog my darling Goddess of Free Spirit wrote, and read the letter to me. It couldn’t have come at a more perfect time, and couldn’t have said anything I needed to hear more than that. She was right, and I just needed to believe that.
So as I’m sitting here, breathing in my incense and let my wild mane of curls dry, I realize that it’s okay to be upset. It’s okay for me to cry and be sad. My life is changing, and my old life is about to end.
I need to grieve it.
And only once I’ve grieved the loss of my old life, and old self- can I really truly move on to embrace my new one.
I know that I can do this, I know that I -need- to do this. Because after this I can really follow my dreams and be true to myself. I just have to be strong and remember to take life as it is. I can’t worry about the past, or the future. I just need to live, because if I spend my time worrying and pushing everything and everyone away- my life is going to pass me by. and I wont have really lived it.
After writing this and crying out all my sadness, I feel that numbness replaced with a sense of peace. It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.
I find that once again, my Luminous Wild goddesses have helped me, changed me, guided me, and helped me. Without even realizing. But most importantly I find that I had the strength to do something I’d never let myself do before.
Grieve for myself.