The torture of time

Loneliness is an unpredictable feeling.

Sometimes it strikes when you are essentially alone. Alone on a walk, alone in your car, alone in your bed. Those times are understandable- you are for all intensive purposes very alone. You see no one, hear no one, feel no one. It’s easy to feel alone. But it’s easy to remedy- just pick up the phone, get online, see a friend. Loneliness is cured.

But what happens when that loneliness strikes when you are surrounded by people? Friends? Loved ones? When you can move two inches and have human contact- when you can hold a conversation. You’re not physically alone at all. But despite being surrounded by people you love and that love you- you have that unshakable and unmistakable feeling of loneliness.

It hits you in the chest, in the pit of your stomach, in your thoughts. How do you get rid of a feeling when it makes no sense to be feeling that way? What’s the cure?

I’m sitting here, amongst friends, feeling incredibly alone. Instead of reaching out, I retreat to my phone to write this. How is it logical? I don’t know that it is.

My emotions this week have been all over. Happiness, sadness, excitment, loneliness. But most of all I just feel empty. I have 6 days left with the people I love and it’s barely been acknowledged. I think about my lack of time every second of every day, it’s always haunting me, always reminding me how precious every moment is. And it’s terrible, because no one seems to understand it, and I’m left feeling more alone than ever.

How do you come to terms with something- when no one else is helping? How do I say goodbye when no one wants to remember I’m leaving?

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